The Pain of Family Estrangement

Estrangement, at its core, refers to the breakdown of a relationship between family members. However, defining estrangement is nuanced, as the experience is deeply personal, complex, and unique for each individual. There is often an air of secrecy and shame surrounding family estrangement, leading those affected to conceal their situations, especially in cases of close family relationships such as parent-child estrangement.

The stigma associated with estrangement is significant, with individuals facing judgment for their decisions, whether it involves adult-children estranging an ageing parent or a parent ostracizing a child. Consequently, many people go to great lengths to keep their estrangement from family members hidden.

This secrecy contributes to a lack of support for those undergoing the intense emotional pain of estrangement. Despite research indicating that family estrangement might be more common than perceived, it remains challenging to quantify due to the isolating nature of the experience, with individuals often downplaying or concealing their situations from others.

Estrangement between a parent and a child is often perceived as particularly poignant, given the perceived permanence and unbreakable nature of the parent-child bond. The breakdown of this relationship, especially between a mother and child, is considered one of the most emotionally charged, making it even more painful when it disintegrates.

Regardless of the reasons leading to family estrangement, there is an inherent experience of loss. These losses are often multifaceted and may impact individuals on different levels. The complexity is heightened when the person who has been lost is still physically present. This experience of loss extends beyond the immediate parent-child relationship and can involve siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and grandchildren. Termed ‘disenfranchised grief,’ this type of loss cannot be openly mourned or acknowledged, leaving the grieving individual inhibited from seeking and receiving support.

Despite the isolating nature of estrangement, seeking support from trusted friends or an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist who is independent from the circumstances can provide a valuable avenue for making sense of the experience and finding a path forward.

References:

Doka, K.J. (1989) Disenfranchised grief. Jossey-Bass.